A Letter From My Brain to My Body

“Thinking” Acrylic on canvas 5/2015

Hello again!

This summer has been crazy. I just got out of a very tense living situation earlier in April. It is a long story of sad truths and pain that most people don’t need to hear about. I came out of it with some new awesome life changes and some hard ones. My rent has gone up $300 in the last year but I am now only living with my partner. Going through so many changes and the pure weight of having to some how come up with that much more money when I haven’t even gotten a raise at PP in over a year is a lot. I ended up having a meltdown one night after an open mic and decided to check myself into a doctor. I had found myself taking my anxiety out on my relationships in my life and myself. Just beating myself up all the time. It was tough but I finally made the decision to go on Zoloft. I haven’t been on any medications for my mental state since I went off my ADHD medication years ago. You can imagine I was pretty scared but I was going to just keep hurting myself and I just turned in the towel and said I will try it when my sister who had recently gotten over the stresses of having a baby and just getting pregnant, suggested it. She too went on Zoloft and said it was a huge difference. Just in the first few days I gained the ability to feel like everything was going to be okay. I don’t think I realized how much doubt I had in my heart from how bad my depression and anxiety was. The brain is such a complex place if I don’t say so myself! I decided to write a letter from my brain (if it could speak for itself) to my body. I know what you are thinking, IT ALREADY DOES but that is not the point, I think my brain tries to play games where it convinces me that things are just the way they are and will never get better. Thank GOD there is outside help out there. Also BTW, the union at PPRM did go through, 3% raise it is, thank fucking GOD. Anyway, to better things and la-d-fucking-da. I do feel better, for now.

From the Top

By Katie Bowman

I am your vehicle.

I take you wherever you need to go.

I keep you busy.

I tell you when to rest.

I give you thoughts.

I give you love.

I have genetic history built in from your parents, your ancestors even.

I know that your family confuses me always.

I know I can turn on you at any time. 

I sometimes feel superior to you. 

I just don’t see you sometimes for what you truly are. 

I expect a lot. 

I keep you wanting more.

I keep you thriving but make you question if that is enough.

I am complicated.

I struggle to love you.

I bog you down with memories.

I am sad you don’t support me back as much as I try to support you. 

I know that one of us will go first.

I wish we could just love each other.

I get sad when you don’t do what I want you to do.

I compare you to every other body around you.

I took you for granted when I was young.

I think you are the only one of us people see.

I get sad that people never see just me.

I want to try to love you more.

I want to guide you through life without pain.

I wish I could hug you but I don’t know how.

I wake up each day just trying to forgive myself for all the pain I have caused us.

I feel your aches and pains.

I taste your thirst.

I numb you up and leave you to dry out.

I cry out in my sleep that one day you will take me somewhere great.

I am learning to see that we are just trying to be. 

-Bowman